me back after day of silence with a dry history of the tragic hours of yesterday evening, at which it is materialized in one of my fears with a capital P 3: the grasshopper in the house.
Before any of you take me for stupid and contacts the CIM (Centre for Mental Health) to come to me asking him to withdraw early, you should know that in my life looming large and three phobias conclusive: the Earthquake, the Sharks and ... grasshoppers ...
... yes, I know that you have just described in the previous post my fear of airplanes, but that fear is a secondary, it can be to live ... nothing that a few years of good psychotherapy can not cure!
But no ... the grasshopper that is part of the real fears, what you destroy the mind and will liquefy your knees. The grasshopper leaps, Zompa, flutters ... all in one pico-second ... you do not even have time to come get a panic attack that she is already printed on your face, and looks at you with her eyes aliens ...
... mind you: not to oppose the grasshopper in absolute terms, not the extinction of hope, not the ailment to see if the embankments in the meadows! Of course, it does not fill me with immense joy, but I can bear to live with this monstrous and terrifying dimension to be part of the world. But when the monstrous
be above the purple of my small and intimate space of 27 sq.m. studio ... well, there I was running a bit 'my virtual ass! But
way to chronicle the event:
8:15 am: I am quietly sitting at my computer to spippacchiarmi kilos of mail (spam) that I have arrived, when the corner of my eye I see my cat to jump model Superman the kitchen, and almost simultaneously Spotting an unidentified object, but it certainly fitted with large wings, rattling furiously against the wall to escape attack the lazy cat;
8.15 am and 1 second: In my mind crowd several alternatives in reverse order of "Terrific": 1) "E 'a moth" 2) "' a bat" 3) "Shit : It's a fucking grasshopper! "
0re 8.15 and 3 seconds, leaving a ferret as my computer station, stumble in the cat preparing a run for the second attack, landed awkwardly on the carpet, how I position it in leopard skin, crawl to the bathroom, I shut the door behind him: I'm safe!
8.15 am and 10 seconds: I allow myself a moderate panic attack (tachycardia, salivation zero, pulse of adrenaline at the temples), followed by a burst sad observation: "I lost sight of the enemy! Now where the hell you will be hunted? I need reinforcements, or do not go out alive!"
8:16 PM: in a fit of courage I open the bathroom door, I resume my leopard-skin structure, the individual cordless, grab him, re-crawl to the bathroom, begging in the path Filters, tobacco and maps (I can not think clearly if I do not smoke), I closed the door behind him ... another sad fact: the enemy is unseen, it could be anywhere!
AT 8:16 AND 30 SECONDS: dial the phone number of my boyfriend, and muttered a series of disconnected phrases, such as "Help!" "Fear" "locked in the bathroom" "Come!" "Immediately." On the other part, he answers with patient voice (which illuminates perfectly right just a bit of discomfort) that comes immediately.
8.30: My boyfriend comes home and finds me in the hall (taken from an excess of courage are heroic exit from the bathroom), trembling like a pale blank of the Stil Novo. THE HUNT BEGINS.
TOOLS OF THE TRADE: scale, scope, Swiffer broom handle, Colin colander APPLIED TO STICK WITH THE SCOTCH pull down 'crutches, small towel, Bath towel, INDIANA JONES HAT, we are well equipped, there is no escape!
PASSWORD: grasshopper we need VIVA! I repeat: TOBACCO KILL THE ENEMY! The next hour
spent in a hide and unnerving: the enemy is capoccella, studying our moves with his computer and look flutters intermittently (to scatemarmi principle of a migraine that I had saved for 10 days), the boyfriend tries to flush him out with skillful strokes broom likely to produce noise. The grasshopper is smart, and refines its strategy: from above is wedged behind the refrigerator, and the hood risbuca Bastard!
After more than an hour, the boyfriend tells me that maybe we should leave it where it is, sooner or later come out, I begin to think of a list of hotels where you can spend the night!
9.30 AM: the house begins to be populated by allies. In order:
Andrea arrives, calmly, suggests: A) set fire to the kitchen; B) open the throttles to stun (but if I did, probably would not be here today to tell you about it), and C) spray a large quantity of insecticide (which reminds me of a sinister scene in Apocalypse Now)
Then comes Secco, which fortunately seems to have scared me almost as much (and this makes me feel less pathetic), pulls up the collar of his sweatshirt and fumbles with the handle of Swiffer broom as the most skilled warriors
Finally comes Amy, that good English is not upset by the satanic alien leaves the wheel, and is equipped with flashlight inspect at close range the possible hiding places. My little heart leaps with new hope.
What follows is the result of other people's tales, because then I have gained a secure location: back against the door (you never know, if it escapes ...) completely covered by jackets hanging at 'coat.
The enemy attacked again, in a desperate sort of swan song, Andrea holds it firmly under the colander colander ... WE WON! THE BEAST 'IN CAGE.
We could torture him, get him to talk and instead the heroes are recognized for their generosity: My boyfriend and Amy carry it lovingly in the garden, and deposit it on a tree.
Awake, bloodthirsty enemy sprung, Next time we will not be so compassionate. It should be 'who sent you and say that in the studio of 27 sq.m. sell dear one's own skin ... and also that the next time PRISONERS WILL NOT!
(later, the headquarters of locusts) ...
"Sir, excuse me sir!" This is the form of my resignation, sir I ask to be discharged from the service, sir!
"I stood quietly in the fact-finding mission, when I was attacked from behind by a giant rat to be color equipped with whiskers and claws, sir "
" Later, I was forced to find a cache of luck because of two large and unpredictable two-legged monsters, which certainly brandishing weapons of mass destruction mass, fitted with long handles, and an Indiana Jones hat Mephisto "
" I was flushed out and captured British artillery and chemical weapons expert in a sadistic "
"I did not talk, sir, to risk my own life ... but this is too much for me, I have a family!"
"I request to be sent to direct traffic, sir"
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